Should I withhold allowance as a punishment?

This is likely to come up in one of three types of situations:

1. Your arrangement says that allowance is earned by completing chores, but your child didn't complete all the work. In this case, a pre-determined fee schedule would let you both know how much each chore is "worth." Some parents use an "all or nothing" arrangement: a child has to complete all chores to earn any allowance. In either situation, however, you can run into the problem of a child who decides that s/he doesn't need his or her allowance that week, and so declines to perform the work. (This is another argument for keeping chores and allowance separate.)

2. You're upset with your child's misbehavior unrelated to chores or to any monetary damage (example: staying out past curfew). You withhold allowance to try to impress on your child how much that behavior upsets you. In this case, withholding allowance will confuse the rules about your allowance arrangement and may seem unjust to your child. It's best to look for some other, more relevant, consequence for the behavior that will seem to fit the transgression. In the case of staying out past curfew, for example, the child might be grounded for a period of time.

3. Your child owes you money, possibly because he or she has borrowed money or has broken something that needs to be fixed or replaced. In these situations, it's best to pay the allowance according to your regular arrangements, and then have your child pay back whatever is owed to you. This works best for two reasons. First, when you pay the allowance, you're demonstrating your fiscal responsibility and sending the message that you can be trusted to keep your end of the deal. Second, when your child reimburses you, s/he is also practicing responsible behavior by paying the debt. It feels more real when actual money changes hands.

Allowances can be a wonderful learning experience. Think carefully, though, about the "terms and conditions" for your child's allowance. While these may change and evolve over time, an allowance is most effective when both the parents and children clearly understand the expectations on both sides of the transaction. For more information, see the resources that follow.

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