Helping Children Cope

The following tips will help parents and family members support children who have experienced the loss of parents, friends, or loved ones. Some of these recommendations come from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado.

· Allow children to be the teachers about their grief experiences: Give children the opportunity to tell their story; be a good listener.

· Don't assume that every child in a certain age group understands death in the same way or with the same feelings: All children are different and their view of the world is unique and shaped by different experiences. (See the developmental information below.) Children within the same family, even those who are close in age, may display very different reactions and have very different needs for support.

· Grieving is a process, not an event: Parents and other caregivers need to allow adequate time for each child to grieve in the manner that works for him or her. Pressing children to resume "normal" activities without the chance to deal fully with their emotional pain may prompt additional problems or negative reactions.

· Don't lie or tell half-truths to children about a tragic event: Children are often bright and sensitive. They will see through false information and wonder why you do not trust them with the truth. Lies do not help the child through the healing process or help develop effective coping strategies for life's future tragedies or losses.

· Help all children, regardless of age, to understand loss and death: Give the child information at the level that he or she can understand. Allow the child to guide you as to the need for more information or clarification of what he or she has heard. Children need to understand that loss and death are parts of the cycle of life.

· Encourage children to ask questions about loss and death: Adults need to be less anxious about not knowing all the answers. Treat questions with respect and a willingness to help the child find his or her own answers. Provide answers that are as honest as you can make them, but keep your responses as simple as possible.

· Don't assume that children always grieve in an orderly or predictable way: We all grieve in different ways and there is no one "correct" way for people to move through the grieving process.

· Let children know that you really want to understand what they are feeling or what they need: Sometimes children are upset but they cannot tell you what responses will be helpful. Giving them the time and encouragement to share their feelings with you may enable them to sort out their feelings.

· Children will need long-lasting support: The more losses the child or adolescent has suffered, the more difficult it will be to recover. This is especially true if a child has lost a parent who was his or her major source of support. Try to develop multiple supports for children who suffered significant losses.

· Keep in mind that grief work is hard: Grieving is hard work for adults and hard for children as well. A return to normal will take time and effort, both for those experiencing grief first-hand and for those offering support.

· Understand that grief work is complicated: The complexity of loss varies across situations. Death may result from a long illness or sudden event; the cause of death might be known or unknown. The loss of a loved one may occur in isolation (such as a car accident or illness) or as a result of a larger tragedy such as a plane crash, terrorist attack, or natural disaster. Disasters in which many are considered missing, rather than dead, further complicate the grieving process.

· Be aware of your own need to grieve: Focusing on the children in your care is important, but it should not come at the expense of your own emotional needs. Often a parent is also grieving over the loss of a spouse or family member and may find his or her personal resources to be severely diminished by that loss. Seek help from friends or other family members if you feel your own grief is compromising your ability to support your children. For some families, it may be important to seek family grief counseling, as well as individual sources of support for adults and children.

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