How Can Parents Help?

Adult support is typically needed to address relational aggression. Girls are seldom willing to stand up for themselves out of fear of further harassment and isolation. Adults can help prevent victimization by encouraging activities that counteract the impact of and opportunity for bullying.

Encourage friendships and social groups . Encourage your children to form and maintain friendships based on mutual interests rather than social status. Work with your schools and communities to ensure a wide range of group activities for children at all ages, and particularly program that appeal to middle school–age girls. Clubs for children interested in learning a foreign language, babysitters' support groups, chess clubs, walking or running groups, environmental interest groups, and dance clubs in which students learn the latest dances are just a few possibilities.Young girls in particular need to understand that the definition of a friend is someone who is positive and supportive. They may even need to be cautioned explicitly to “choose friends who are nice to you rather than mean to you.” Although this is obvious to most adults, young girls who are caught up in a cycle of wanting to be popular may lose sight of such common sense ideas. Researchers have found that girls who focus on academic achievement, athletics, or other extracurricular activities may be more resistant to relational aggression because their self-esteem is not limited to worries about social standing.

Seek counseling. Research suggests that both bullies and their targets can benefit from counseling. Victims may find support in group counseling settings (often available through community clinics), along with opportunities to make friends with others who are facing the same kinds of issues. Victims also need to know that bullying will end eventually, that they are not the only ones experiencing this, and that they can get help. Girls who engage in relational aggression may benefit from individual counseling in which they are encouraged to assume responsibility for their aggressive actions and to understand that friendships are more than a way of controlling others. If your child is either a victim or bully, discuss your concerns with the school counselor, psychologist or social worker—there might be counseling available at school. They can also help identify appropriate resources in your community.

Journaling. Victims of relational aggression might be encouraged to keep a journal or diary to help them express their feelings in a safe way. Such journals can focus on all kinds of feelings – happy as well as sad or angry. Girls should be encouraged to write down any positive things that happen along with negative things (e.g., I got 12 birthday cards from family and friends; Jessica made fun of my new haircut). That way they can go back and look at positive events in their lives.

Seek support from school. . Because schools are the site of most acts of relational aggression, it is important that school faculty and staff take a stand against this harassment. This can happen in several ways. If a school does not have a committee or task force in place to address bullying, starting such an effort is a good first step. If such a task force exists, be sure that it addresses relational aggression as an important issue. These tasks forces often include school administrators, psychologists, parents, and selected students.

Parent-teacher organizations offer another forum for creating awareness about relational aggression and taking steps to deal with it. Peer mediation programs can also provide a way to control relational aggression, provided that schools are willing to provide adequate training and supervision for the effort.

Parent-teacher groups might also consider two other programs: The Ophelia Project is a national program designed to combat relational aggression several different ways. They offer a Creating a Safe School program (CASS) which supports schools' efforts to curb relational aggression. The program does charge for its use but provides services of national consultants who visit the school, educate faculty about relational aggression, and offers other support programs. CASS also includes program that trains older (high school) students to mentor younger (middle school) students is also available. The GenAustin Organization provides videotaped presentations for school faculty, reading lists, and other resources developed to help girls deal with a variety of problems and situations.

Parent support. Parents should also talk about bullying even before it happens. Ask your daughters if they see girls being mean to each other in school and what behaviors they have observed. Ask if they think that teachers are aware of these behaviors. Be supportive and let girls know that they can always come to you with any problems. Brainstorm together about what can be done in various real and potential situations. If your daughter is willing to let you intervene, talk to other parents, teachers, school psychologists or counselors, etc. about the problems occurring in the school.

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