What Can I Do as a Parent?

Do not place undue expectations on your child. We all want our children to be successful, and we should have high expectations for their behavior and performance. But when stress starts to show itself, it may be time to ask if our expectations are too high.

Listen to your child when he or she describes stressful events or situations. Being a good listener will, first of all, reassure your child that you are there with love and support. Moreover, it will help you to better understand how you can help.

Teach your child good problem-solving skills. The feeling that we have too much to do in the amount of time available to us is a frequent cause of stress. When overburdened, we have difficulty seeing how to get ourselves out of the jam we're in. Help your child learn to break big problems into smaller ones that can be dealt with one at a time. Talk with them about how you have handled stressful situations.

Rehearse stressful situations. If speaking in front of a group or making a phone call to an adult is a cause for stress, it can be helpful to talk through the event with your child. Discuss how he or she wants the event to take place, and then go through the situation together in a "trial run." The chance to practice is helpful, and possible difficulties can be "problem solved" together.

Be aware of "irrational thinking" patterns. Sometimes we can overhear our children "thinking aloud" with statements like, "I have to get this done or my friends are going to be mad," or "If I don't do this extra assignment, I'll never get into college." More frequently, only the first part of the concern is evident: "I have to do what the other kids are doing," "I shouldn't really be reading this novel just for fun right now," or "I need to get this whole list of things finished right now." Often hidden behind such thoughts is the unfounded belief that "if I don't live up to my teacher's expectations, I'll never be a success in life," or "if friends get mad at me, then that confirms that I'm not a good person." And, deep down, these "if - then" statements frequently mask core beliefs that people accept as true, even if they have never questioned them logically. These are beliefs like "I'm not a very loveable person," or "the world is a cruel place, and the only way to survive is by doing everything perfectly." If you become aware of such harmful beliefs, help your child look at life, and him or herself, more realistically and more positively. You can help by modeling more productive, logical statements, such as, "If I finish this task as best I can, I will have done my job as a student;" or, "I can't do everything at once, but I will pick the most important thing to do now and get it done!"

Relaxation, Visualization and Exercise. There are a number of good relaxation tapes on the market, but all of them emphasize the importance of sitting or lying down and breathing slowly from deep in the stomach, rather than breathing where the shoulders or chest is in motion. A frequently-used visualization technique is that of relaxing (as above), and then imagining one self in a "favorite place"- a place that is warm and inviting, comfortable and beautiful. Relaxation techniques are useful for diminishing the feeling of stress, but they do little to keep stress from reoccurring. Relaxation can be especially effective when used in conjunction with the rehearsal of a stressful situation before it occurs. Some highly anxious children might need professional assistance to learn effective relaxation techniques. Also, remember that exercise is not only a good way for both children and adults to "relax" but a good way to reduce both the physical and emotional "baggage" of stress!

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