Defusing a Tantrum in Progress

If prevention fails, there are a number of ways to handle a temper tantrum in progress:

Remain calm and don't argue with your child. Before you manage the child you must manage your own behavior. Spanking or yelling at the child will make the tantrum worse.

Think before you act. Count to ten and then think about what is the source of the child's frustration, what is this child's characteristic response to stress (i.e., hyperactivity, distractibility, moodiness etc.) and what are the predictable steps that will likely escalate the tantrum.

Next, try to intervene before the child is out of control. Get down at the child's eye level and say, "You are starting to get revved up, slow down." Now you have several choices of intervention.

"Positively distract" the child by getting him/her focused on something else that is an acceptable activity. For example, you might remove the unsafe item and replace it with an age-appropriate toy.

Place the child in "time away." Time away is a quiet place where the child goes to "calm down," "think" about what she needs to do, and with your help "make a plan" to change her behavior.

Ignore the tantrum if they are throwing the tantrum to get your attention. Once they calm down, give them the attention they desire.

Hold the child who is out of control and is going to hurt himself or someone else. Let him know that you will let him go as soon as he calms down. Reassure the child that everything will be all right and help them calm down. Parents may need to hug their child who is crying, and tell him they will always love them no matter what, but that the behavior has to change. This reassurance can be comforting for a child who may be afraid because he lost control.

Use "time out." If the child has escalated the tantrum to the point where you are not able to intervene effectively, then you may need to direct the child to "time-out:" If you are in a public place, carry your child outside or to the car. Tell the child that you will go home unless they calm down. If he refuses to comply, then place him in time-out for no more than one minute for each year of age. At home, the time out area can be any room or area free from toys and other desirable objects or activities; at the shopping mall, the back seat of the car can serve as a "quiet down" area. (If your child is already familiar with the concept of "time out" at home, it is easier to improvise a time out area elsewhere.)

Never give in to a tantrum, under any circumstances. That response will only escalate the intensity and frequency of temper tantrums.

After the Tantrum Stops…

Do not reward the child once she has calmed down after a tantrum. Some children will learn that a temper tantrum is a good way to get a treat later.

Talk with your child after she calms down. Once the child stops crying or screaming, talk with her about her frustration. Try to solve the problem if possible. Explain to the child that there are better ways to get what he or she wants. For the future, teach your child new skills to help avoid temper tantrums, such as how to ask appropriately for help; how to signal a parent or teacher that he needs to go to "time away" so he can "Stop, Think, and Make a Plan"; how to try a more successful way of interacting with a friend or sibling; how to express his feelings with words and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.

Never let the temper tantrum interfere with your otherwise positive relationship with the child.

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