Establishing and maintaining good communication with your child is one of the most important tasks of parenting. Good communication channels make it easier to deal with hundreds of problems and issues that can arise in your child's life. Your child will know you care about him, and talking with you will help him develop the ability to make good decisions on his own. Communication patterns established around small things can be a vital resource if serious problems arise later on. Here are some ways you can develop good communication skills with your school-aged child.

Have a daily "check in" routine.

It's important to ask, "What's new at school?" every day, no matter how old your child is. For younger students, a good time to ask is when they're unpacking their books when they arrive at home. (See Backpack Basics) This is also a good time to ask for any papers or other items that teachers may have sent home for parents. Older students' schedules vary more, so you'll need to pick the best time to ask about school - but you should ask every day. Don't be discouraged if the answer is usually, "Nothing, Mom!" By asking, you give your child an opening to talk about something that may be bothering him.

You cannot schedule the need to talk.

Be alert for signals that you child wants to talk about something. There are many ways to offer opportunities. Rides in the car are often a great place to talk: it's just you and your child and there aren't other interruptions. Don't assume you'll be able to discuss issues that are important to your child on your schedule.

Practice active listening

Remember that one of the goals of parenting is to encourage your child to make responsible decisions on his own. This means that what he thinks is sometimes more important than what you think. You can help a child work through a problem by asking open-ended questions like, "What do you think about that?" or "How does that make you feel?" This helps students sort out feelings and ideas, and it lets you offer guidance by helping your child solve a problem rather than simply giving him a solution.

Don't jump to judgment

You may need to restrain the parent's natural instinct to defend his or her child. "My teacher is a mean witch," may mean many things. The teacher and student may have had a misunderstanding; the student may have been misbehaving; in some cases, the student may not be getting fair treatment. Here again, it is important to do a lot of listening before offering answers or opinions.

Give honest, age-appropriate answers

If your child asks for information, give honest, factual answers that are appropriate to the child's age. If your child asks a question about school and you don't know the answer, it's OK to say so. If you have an elementary-age child, offer to help him find the answer. If your child is older, suggest places or resources he might use to find an answer.

Girls and Boys May Want Different Things

Many parents observe that boys and girls approach issues differently. Says one mother, "Boys are concerned about results; girls care about process." Some children may present a problem expecting active input from their parent; others may only want the parent to listen as they work out the problem for themselves. Before offering advice, try to figure out what kind of help your child wants!

Help the child solve the problem

While all parents must impose solutions occasionally, students learn the most when they discover how to solve problems for themselves. Parents play an essential role in giving students the tools, support, and confidence to tackle challenges on their own. It is important for parents to encourage these efforts, to praise successes, and to help students improve when their efforts fall short.

Know when to ask for help.

Parents are usually the best judge of what behaviors are normal for their child. If you begin to sense that your child is troubled and is unwilling to communicate, don't hesitate to contact others who have regular contact with your child. Depending on the circumstances, the child's teacher, coach, guidance counselor, or your family physician can often help you determine if a potential problem exists, and whether it is serious enough to warrant further investigation.

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