Brothers and Sisters: The Sibling Story

We know from the experiences of families and the findings of research that having a child with a disability powerfully affects everyone in the family. This includes that child's brothers and sisters. Many authors and researchers have written with eloquence about how the presence of a disability affects each sibling individually, as well as the relationships between the siblings. Some books dealing with sibling issues are listed in the resources section of this document.

The impact, according to the siblings themselves, varies considerably from person to person. Yet there are common threads that run through their stories. For many, the experience is a positive, enriching one that teaches them to accept other people as they are. Some become deeply involved in helping parents care for the child with a disability, often assuming responsibilities beyond their years in terms of that individual's care and the maintenance of the household (Powell & Gallagher, 1993). It is not uncommon for siblings to become ardent protectors and supporters of their brother or sister with special needs or to experience feelings of great joy in watching him or her achieve even the smallest gain in learning or development. Increased maturity, responsibility, altruism, tolerance, humanitarian concerns and careers, a sense of closeness in the family, self-confidence, and independence are among the other positive effects noted in siblings (Lobato, 1990).

In contrast, many other siblings experience feelings of bitterness and resentment towards their parents or the brother or sister with a disability. They may feel jealous, neglected, or rejected as they watch most of their parents' energy, attention, money, and psychological support flow to the child with special needs (Lobato, 1990; Powell & Gallagher, 1993).

The reaction and adjustment of siblings to a brother or sister with a disability may also vary depending upon their ages and developmental levels. The younger the nondisabled sibling is, the more difficult it may be for him or her to understand the situation and to interpret events realistically (Ambler, 1988). Younger children may be confused about the nature of the disability, including what caused it. They may feel that they themselves are to blame or may worry about "catching" the disability. As siblings mature, their understanding of the disability matures as well, but new concerns may emerge. They may worry about the future of their brother or sister, about how their peers will react to their sibling, or about whether or not they themselves can pass the disability along to their own children.

Clearly, it is important for you to take time to talk openly about your child's disability with your other children, explaining it as best you can in terms that are appropriate to each child's developmental level. As Charles Callahan (1990) remarks, "Information, even concerning a painful subject, is preferable to ignorance distorted by imagination" (p. 157) Some of the books listed in the resources section under "Siblings" can help you open up the lines of communication and address the needs of your nondisabled children. As services for families grow, you may also find there is a support group available to your children, which can provide a forum for siblings to share their feelings with others in a similar situation and to exchange factual information about disability and illness.

Adapted from information published by the National Information Center for Children and Youth with Disabilities